Greetings from Redding, California! I honestly don't even know where to begin... I have been praying about what to share and what to keep between me and God, and there is just soooo much that has been happening, I WANT to share it all! Should I? Probably not. Regardless, know that God has been moving in such a way that sometimes I am completely speechless.
One thing I have learned is that my mind races. I don't mean spinning, per say...but truly races. One thought leads to another, which leads to another, and another, etc... Until I have no idea where it all began and if it will ever end. One thing I have learned about how God deals with me (because He is just so smart) is that if He wants to tell me something, and I am willing and ready to receive, it comes so fast, and in so many facets, that my brain has no other choice but to "shut up" and take it in. Not only do theses downloads come so quickly, but it also seems like they are mere pieces...so, knowing me so well, He knows I have to investigate and ask more questions...you know, to figure it all out. What does that do to my brain? Keeps it quiet longer. :) yeah, He knows me so well...probably because He created me, huh. :) I am so grateful for that!
There are some things that I have struggled with my whole life, and some things I have really struggled with these last few years. My battle was keeping me from so many things...and keeping me from moving forward in so many areas of my life. Vital areas. Haha... Did you catch that? Did you notice that I said "...WAS keeping me from so many things."? :) As in past tense? I so desperately want to share with each and every one of you what exactly happen early Sunday morning (1:00-1:20am to be exact), in my rental car, on a back road that I was unfamiliar with, near Corning, California, bawling my eyes out, asking why? and How come? after a swift tail kicking from my dear friend.... Yes, sometimes I need a wake up call and a good tail kicking to get myself off my pity potty and unwrap the blanket of guilt, remove the chains of bondage (in my case labeled unforgiveness) and rip off the crown of "victim mentality" that I have so strategically placed up my head...AND release the tears of bitterness that have collected in my life over the last 36 years. Yes, it took a wake up call, a revelation of truth, and a gentle but firm spirit to finally, FINALLY open my eyes...to finally allow myself to let go and free fall off the cliff I've been hanging out on for so long. To allow the desire of freedom to be greater than the desire for familiar. It is no easy task, my friends...but once it starts, you don't want it to stop. You want ALL of it! A taste is not nearly enough when the feast is laid out before you! Like in the summer time, when it's 100 plus degrees outside, and you are so thirsty that your lips are cracked, your tongue feels like sandpaper, your stomach cramps, and you are so weak you feel you can hardly move...one single drip of water cannot satisfy the thirst you have...not even a bottle of water can do that. You need to jump into to river! Or a lake! Or whatever body of water that is available, that can swallow up your entire body, soaking every part... Right? Cool and refreshing... Ahhh... I can feel it now! THAT, my friends, is EXACTLY what happened to me on that road between the hrs of 1:00-1:20am, early Sunday morning. I felt His love and presence wash over me like a flood. I saw pictures of things I have longed for my entire life...realizations to questions I have asked. Questions that have kept me hostage in the prison of my own mind and heart. Truth to lies I have believed for an entire lifetime. All of these things I have clung to so tightly, white-knuckled and all, until my hands started cramping... Why? It was all I THOUGHT I knew to be true. Even though I knew these things were not healthy, not God's desire for my heart, and definitely not FROM Him, they were all I knew in the physical world. So, I have sat, my entire life, bound by chains that keep me right where the enemy wants me... in this prison of guilt, condemnation, self-pity, brokenness, bitterness, unforgiveness... A place so familiar to me... Feeling unloved and rejected. Focused on striving and trying to earn approval. Totally becoming my way of life to a point that I cannot imagine anything any different. Why? I don't deserve different. It's been proven time and time again by the way certain people have treated me throughout the years. People I looked to for nurturing or friendship, or just plain acceptance...they spent their time destroying and tearing down, instead of sculpting and building. And I was left scrambling around in the rubble...calling it my home.
When Holy Spirit begins to download, the only thing I can do is buckle up and hang on. Pictures flash and doors are opened...noises heard, sometimes voices, sometimes just the words of songs...no set beginning and no set ending. One thing after another, creating feelings, alerting my senses to extreme sensitivity, making the unclear, clear...and the fuzzy, focused. Missing pieces are found and put into place, creating the whole and bigger picture...sometimes detailed, sometimes not...creating an understanding that in the physical realm was never meant to be understood...but usually not until the very end. Memories sometimes project in still picture form, like watching a silent movie, and then it freezes...curtains are drawn back, revealing truth...
And then I heard it... The chains... Loosening...and falling to the floor. Metal hitting concrete. Can you hear it? It's the sound of freedom... Are you with me? The prison doors open. Nothing holding me back. Nothing to cling to. Nothing to hold so tightly that my knuckles turn white and my hands cramp. Nothing.
At first, it's hard to take in. It's hard to imagine. I think I sat there in shock. Letting the truth sink in. Is it real? It's so different than what I know.
But I'm no longer bound. I see the chains in a heap on the floor. And the door is open wide. I squint because it's so bright outside the door. I realize how dark this prison truly is...
And then I take a step...
Into the sun... Or is it the SON.
I can hear the prison crack...the walls are shifting...and it crumbles into ruins onto the ground. That is the new rubble. I won't scramble around in it. I won't call it my home... I won't even look back.
But I will remember.
And praise Him, with the most joyful and humble heart you can ever imagine. My eyes are burning with tears as I write this. Tears of joy and awe at how much He loves me.
No...adores me.
I don't deserve it. But He gives it anyway.
Because He loves me...that much.
"...WAS keeping me from so many things."
"WAS"...past tense... No longer true, no longer existing, no longer my reality...no more!
It's amazing what can happen at 1:00am...when you are willing to take that step off the cliff and free fall...willing to receive, willing to let go...
What other words can I possibly say at this moment?
Nothing...I'm completely speechless.
Thank You, Father! Thank You!
AMEN!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Devotions from Jan 9
Jesus Calling...
"I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don't be discouraged-never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle." ( I wonder if this includes driving in Sacramento?? ;) ) "Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent.
Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence."
Romans 8:31. Psalm 46:1-3 (NKJV). Luke 1:37
"I AM WITH YOU AND FOR YOU. When you decide on a course of action that is in line with My will, nothing in heaven or on earth can stop you. You may encounter many obstacles as you move toward your goal, but don't be discouraged-never give up! With My help, you can overcome any obstacle." ( I wonder if this includes driving in Sacramento?? ;) ) "Do not expect an easy path as you journey hand in hand with Me, but do remember that I, your very-present Helper, am omnipotent.
Much, much stress results from your wanting to make things happen before their times have come. One of the main ways I assert My sovereignty is in the timing of events. If you want to stay close to Me and do things My way, ask Me to show you the path forward moment by moment. Instead of dashing headlong toward your goal, let Me set the pace. Slow down, and enjoy the journey in My Presence."
Romans 8:31. Psalm 46:1-3 (NKJV). Luke 1:37
Devotions from Jan 8
Jesus Calling...
"SOFTLY I ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance." (hmmm...) "Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth. I am infinitely tender with you."
Ok, I have to stop there... Just for a moment. This soooo lines up with so many things...and the blogs I have already written. And I'm behind in my evening devotions...so I am playing catch up.
"The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you." (didn't I just write about His gentleness yesterday??) "Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help."
I swear to you, I did NOT read this before typing what's been on my heart these last few days! I am so blown away at this moment! Seriously blown away... Ok, continuing on..
"Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My Kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness."
Psalm 46:1. Romans 12:12. Romans 15:13
Hmmm...
"SOFTLY I ANNOUNCE MY PRESENCE. Shimmering hues of radiance tap gently at your consciousness, seeking entrance." (hmmm...) "Though I have all Power in heaven and on earth. I am infinitely tender with you."
Ok, I have to stop there... Just for a moment. This soooo lines up with so many things...and the blogs I have already written. And I'm behind in my evening devotions...so I am playing catch up.
"The weaker you are, the more gently I approach you." (didn't I just write about His gentleness yesterday??) "Let your weakness be a door to My Presence. Whenever you feel inadequate, remember that I am your ever-present Help."
I swear to you, I did NOT read this before typing what's been on my heart these last few days! I am so blown away at this moment! Seriously blown away... Ok, continuing on..
"Hope in Me, and you will be protected from depression and self-pity. Hope is like a golden cord connecting you to heaven. The more you cling to this cord, the more I bear the weight of your burdens; thus, you are lightened. Heaviness is not of My Kingdom. Cling to hope, and My rays of Light will reach you through the darkness."
Psalm 46:1. Romans 12:12. Romans 15:13
Hmmm...
Devotions from Jan 7
I just have to share my devotions on this journey... I wasn't going to, but how they line up with the feelings and senses I have had are completely amazing! Seriously, I'm awed. I normally read devotions in the morning...but save certain devotions for the end of my day. My end of day devotions have been from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young...given to me by a friend of mine. I promise, you will be smiling...
This is the stressful day of preparing to leave... Here's what my devotions read...
January 7
"IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PRAISE OR THANK ME TOO MUCH. As it is written, I inhabit the praises of My people. Sometimes your adoration is a spontaneous overflow of Joy, in response to radiant beauty or rich blessings. At other times your praise is more disciplined and measured-an act of your will. I dwell equally in both types of praise. Thankfulness, also, is a royal road to draw near Me. A thankful heart has plenty of room for Me.
When you thank Me for the many pleasures I provide, you affirm that I am God, from whom all blessings flow. When adversity strikes and you thank Me anyway, your trust in My sovereignty is a show-piece in invisible realms. Fill up the spare moments of your life with praise and thanksgiving. This joyous discipline will help you live in intimacy of My Presence."
Psalm 22:3 (KJV). Psalm 146:1-2. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
So that is exactly what I did before I went to bed...praised Him for this opportunity. Praised Him for safe travels. Praised Him for family to worry about. Praised Him for protection from the deer I hit on the road. I wasn't going to share all of this, but I felt it was important. You have joined me on this journey... Taste every piece of it. :)
Isn't He amazing???!!! :)
This is the stressful day of preparing to leave... Here's what my devotions read...
January 7
"IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO PRAISE OR THANK ME TOO MUCH. As it is written, I inhabit the praises of My people. Sometimes your adoration is a spontaneous overflow of Joy, in response to radiant beauty or rich blessings. At other times your praise is more disciplined and measured-an act of your will. I dwell equally in both types of praise. Thankfulness, also, is a royal road to draw near Me. A thankful heart has plenty of room for Me.
When you thank Me for the many pleasures I provide, you affirm that I am God, from whom all blessings flow. When adversity strikes and you thank Me anyway, your trust in My sovereignty is a show-piece in invisible realms. Fill up the spare moments of your life with praise and thanksgiving. This joyous discipline will help you live in intimacy of My Presence."
Psalm 22:3 (KJV). Psalm 146:1-2. 1 Thessalonians 5:18
So that is exactly what I did before I went to bed...praised Him for this opportunity. Praised Him for safe travels. Praised Him for family to worry about. Praised Him for protection from the deer I hit on the road. I wasn't going to share all of this, but I felt it was important. You have joined me on this journey... Taste every piece of it. :)
Isn't He amazing???!!! :)
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Just one more step... Or not... Not yet.
Although this trip has been amazing (minus the driving in Sacramento! And I'm not even downtown!) I know there is more that awaits me. And I hesitate...
From the minute I arrived at my hotel in the cities, I knew there was something that was going to happen. Nothing bad. Actually, I knew a couple days before I even left that something was going to happen. I want to embrace it...yet I hesitate. I want to melt in it, yet I hesitate. I know He's calling, waiting...patiently waiting... Yet I hesitate. Don't get me wrong, time with Him has been so good... But I know it's just been the "practice". The "pre-game warm-up" if you will (for any sports fan out there). A taste of the feast that awaits me. The preparation for the true meaning of me being here. I know that. I know it's good, because it's God's heart for me..and HE is good. So it HAS to be good, right?
Yet I hesitate...
Why??
For fear that the emotions will get out of control? (those of you that know me, know I like to be in control in that area) For fear that the tears won't stop? (I know tears can be healing...yet I still dislike crying...greatly) For fear that the wounds will be ripped wide open and I won't know how to close them back up again, and I'll bleed to death? (pretty ugly, huh) For fear all of this will be going on and I'll be alone? (are we ever truly alone? Hmmm...)
Yes...to all of the above.
As I've been writing this I have to be brutally honest. From the minute I arrived at my hotel in the cities, I have felt on the edge of the cliff. I have been on the verge of utter bawling from that very moment. Yes, there have been tears...but I haven't had the guts to take that step off the edge of the cliff and "free-fall". I keep my feet firmly planted...sometimes sliding my foot forward and letting my toes dangle off the edge...but then I pull back. Some tears, yes...some hurt, yes...some memories, yes...some healing, yes. But to take the plunge...to totally let go and take that next step..however small of a step it may be...mere inches, I'm sure... I hesitate.
Letting go...trusting God will be there when I fall...to catch me, to hold me, to allow the things to come forth and be dealt with... I hesitate.
Why?
Is it too real? Is it unacceptable in my eyes to totally lose that control? Is it fear?
I don't know. Maybe???
I can tell you exactly what it feels like. Even as I type this I'm standing on the edge of the cliff... Tears starting to develop, stinging my eyes. I can honestly feel His presence drawing closer to me. I can sense His arms ready to wrap around me...to envelope me into safety..totally covering me..warm and inviting... I can feel His gentleness, His love, His understanding... I can feel my heart starting to race, a slight melting of the wall that has been erected around my heart these last few months...an inviting call to freedom that awaits me...so sweet, so beautiful. I can even feel my entire body soften, almost preparing to physically let go as well as emotionally. I want it! I want to turn into a puddle of mess on the floor because I KNOW there is freedom, and healing, and restoration just around the corner. It's so close I can almost touch it. I can smell it, like the smell of the outdoors during a drought, after a much needed, refreshing rain... I can see it... Similar to the clouds rolling back, and allowing the most amazingly breathtaking symbol of God's promise to appear in the form of a rainbow. Not just an ordinary rainbow, mind you, but one that clearly shows every color so specifically, you were sure that you just witnessed God Himself paint it right before your very eyes. It's comparable to the most amazing food ever tasted...making your taste buds dance with joy as whatever it is, melts in your mouth. Like a friend you have longed to spend time with, and you hear your phone ring and you suddenly realize it's them calling.
What person in their right mind would reject such an amazing experience???
Yup, thats right.. I still hesitate....
I go so far and stop. Even the tears shrink back to dryness. The stinging stops. And I can feel Him pull back. Not away...just back. He won't force me, He won't get mad at me, and He won't leave me. He just pulls back. And waits...
Patiently waiting.
And all of those amazing things that I just explained above, dissolve into the darkness once again. Fading, until there is no evidence they even existed at all. And the fog of "everything's ok" creeps back in until it feels normal again.
Normal... My heart doesn't want to be "normal" anymore.
So now what? I know the answer to that...
All I have to do, is take the step... Let go...and allow Him to do what He does best.
Simply love me.
Yet... Well, you know what's coming next...
Yup... I hesitate...
(sigh)
From the minute I arrived at my hotel in the cities, I knew there was something that was going to happen. Nothing bad. Actually, I knew a couple days before I even left that something was going to happen. I want to embrace it...yet I hesitate. I want to melt in it, yet I hesitate. I know He's calling, waiting...patiently waiting... Yet I hesitate. Don't get me wrong, time with Him has been so good... But I know it's just been the "practice". The "pre-game warm-up" if you will (for any sports fan out there). A taste of the feast that awaits me. The preparation for the true meaning of me being here. I know that. I know it's good, because it's God's heart for me..and HE is good. So it HAS to be good, right?
Yet I hesitate...
Why??
For fear that the emotions will get out of control? (those of you that know me, know I like to be in control in that area) For fear that the tears won't stop? (I know tears can be healing...yet I still dislike crying...greatly) For fear that the wounds will be ripped wide open and I won't know how to close them back up again, and I'll bleed to death? (pretty ugly, huh) For fear all of this will be going on and I'll be alone? (are we ever truly alone? Hmmm...)
Yes...to all of the above.
As I've been writing this I have to be brutally honest. From the minute I arrived at my hotel in the cities, I have felt on the edge of the cliff. I have been on the verge of utter bawling from that very moment. Yes, there have been tears...but I haven't had the guts to take that step off the edge of the cliff and "free-fall". I keep my feet firmly planted...sometimes sliding my foot forward and letting my toes dangle off the edge...but then I pull back. Some tears, yes...some hurt, yes...some memories, yes...some healing, yes. But to take the plunge...to totally let go and take that next step..however small of a step it may be...mere inches, I'm sure... I hesitate.
Letting go...trusting God will be there when I fall...to catch me, to hold me, to allow the things to come forth and be dealt with... I hesitate.
Why?
Is it too real? Is it unacceptable in my eyes to totally lose that control? Is it fear?
I don't know. Maybe???
I can tell you exactly what it feels like. Even as I type this I'm standing on the edge of the cliff... Tears starting to develop, stinging my eyes. I can honestly feel His presence drawing closer to me. I can sense His arms ready to wrap around me...to envelope me into safety..totally covering me..warm and inviting... I can feel His gentleness, His love, His understanding... I can feel my heart starting to race, a slight melting of the wall that has been erected around my heart these last few months...an inviting call to freedom that awaits me...so sweet, so beautiful. I can even feel my entire body soften, almost preparing to physically let go as well as emotionally. I want it! I want to turn into a puddle of mess on the floor because I KNOW there is freedom, and healing, and restoration just around the corner. It's so close I can almost touch it. I can smell it, like the smell of the outdoors during a drought, after a much needed, refreshing rain... I can see it... Similar to the clouds rolling back, and allowing the most amazingly breathtaking symbol of God's promise to appear in the form of a rainbow. Not just an ordinary rainbow, mind you, but one that clearly shows every color so specifically, you were sure that you just witnessed God Himself paint it right before your very eyes. It's comparable to the most amazing food ever tasted...making your taste buds dance with joy as whatever it is, melts in your mouth. Like a friend you have longed to spend time with, and you hear your phone ring and you suddenly realize it's them calling.
What person in their right mind would reject such an amazing experience???
Yup, thats right.. I still hesitate....
I go so far and stop. Even the tears shrink back to dryness. The stinging stops. And I can feel Him pull back. Not away...just back. He won't force me, He won't get mad at me, and He won't leave me. He just pulls back. And waits...
Patiently waiting.
And all of those amazing things that I just explained above, dissolve into the darkness once again. Fading, until there is no evidence they even existed at all. And the fog of "everything's ok" creeps back in until it feels normal again.
Normal... My heart doesn't want to be "normal" anymore.
So now what? I know the answer to that...
All I have to do, is take the step... Let go...and allow Him to do what He does best.
Simply love me.
Yet... Well, you know what's coming next...
Yup... I hesitate...
(sigh)
So close, so big...
I find myself in an interesting situation this morning, and not exactly knowing what to do. I'll have to share later what happens, because at this point, I am not sure. I wasn't even sure what to write about, exactly, but I knew I was supposed to write something. This situation I find myself in, is challenging my trust, and challenging my belief on how big God really is...to me.
I know God is big. Without a doubt. I have seen His movement in my life in so many ways...supernatural ways...that I cannot possibly believe it is anything other than God's hand in the middle of it all. But how big? Do I believe, truly believe and trust, that He can do ANYTHING and that He truly has my best interest in mind? I know I say I do... But when push comes to shove, how do I react? What do I trust in and believe in? After so many years of challenges and not trusting, even in the midst of SEEING His goodness and glory, I find myself questioning with this simple situation I'm finding myself in now...How big is He?
Flying at 10,000 feet (and above) I was looking out the window at the earth below. All things we know to be "big" were so incredibly small...tiny...little slivers of images from so far away. Houses appeared to be small specks, bodies of water seemed like a drip of water that had fallen off a sweaty glass of cold water, miles of roads and winding rivers looked like slivers of thread strewn about on the ground. An entire town was smaller than the size of my thumb when pressed against the window. And the biggest things that appeared to be so small to my eyes, from so far away...mountains! Huge, massive mountains (the Rockies were some we flew by) looked no bigger than small piles of dirt that I could easily step over. (kind of disappointing, if you ask me) Bumps on the ground that my brother and I would put boards on top of, making a ramp, and jumping our bikes over when we were kids. (Yeah, we were cool like that. ;) ) And the trees on those mountains...they were smaller than blades of new grass poking through the ground. Mountains... Appearing to be so insignificant and so small to the naked eye from so far away...
Hmmm...
But we know, when we get to the base of that ginormous mountain, it is soooo large and so tall, that sometimes you can not even see the top! It's hidden in the clouds! It is soooo big that you have to really strain your neck to look up and even attempt to see the top.. And it's almost, if not entirely, impossible.
When you are close...
At this moment I ask myself... How big is God to me?
The question that He asks me in return... "How close to Me are you?"
Hmmm... Quite honestly, it makes me want to cry. Because I realize I'm not as close as I appear to be. Not in my heart... So many mountains have gotten in the way. So much "busyness", so much sadness. So many losses, things to do, decisions to make... Pressing things that have absorbed my time and efforts... My kids, my husband, my step-dad who finds himself so sad every day and struggling to do normal, daily things. Financial situations, friends, responsibilities... All of those things...like boarding a plane and looking down at 10,000 feet...pulling me further and further away.. And I've allowed it. I've been packing for a long time, and flying 10,000 feet away from the One who created those majestic mountains on the earth. And it's time to land this plane, and hike to the base of the mountain called God...touch it, feel it, smell it, embrace it...looking up in awe...so close, that the mountain (God) is all I can see...
So close, that from 10,000 feet, you can't see me...all you see is the mountain (God). So close, that as people do drive-by's and take pictures from their cars, they still can't see me...only the mountain. So close that I appear hidden in the protection of that mountain... So very, very close that I simply blend in and appear to be part of the mountain...
So very, very, very close...
Lord, I want to be that close...to You. At all times. Not just when I'm facing a mountain...but ALL the time. So close, that I can feel You...like walking up to a mountain you created...touching it, and looking up and seeing that it appears to be never-ending. No end in sight. Not just driving by and taking pictures. Yes, you can somewhat get a feel as to how big mountains are when driving by, on the ground, and taking pictures. But forget the drive-by. I don't want to settle for that. I want to walk straight up to the base, reach out and touch it, strain to look up and see the top, only to see it not visible because it is hidden in the clouds...so large it appears to go on forever...no end in sight. That's what I want You to be in my life. To put myself in that same position, not on the plane looking down, but on the ground looking up. Not 10,000 plus feet away, but right at the base. So close to You, that the situations, or circumstances that come into my life...those "mountains"... Appear so insignificant...like how REAL mountains look from 10,000 feet in the air. So close to You, that those "mountains" are mere bumps my brother and I put boards on and jumped our bikes over. So close that I don't even notice the mountains...they are just ordinary, small ant hills on the ground that I step over, without even noticing they was there...not even looking down.
Yes, that close... Because Lord, I know that You are that big!
Help me to refocus... To draw that close to You... To look up in awe, instead of looking down in disappointment. At ALL times.
And now I know what to do... Thank You, Lord.
I know God is big. Without a doubt. I have seen His movement in my life in so many ways...supernatural ways...that I cannot possibly believe it is anything other than God's hand in the middle of it all. But how big? Do I believe, truly believe and trust, that He can do ANYTHING and that He truly has my best interest in mind? I know I say I do... But when push comes to shove, how do I react? What do I trust in and believe in? After so many years of challenges and not trusting, even in the midst of SEEING His goodness and glory, I find myself questioning with this simple situation I'm finding myself in now...How big is He?
Flying at 10,000 feet (and above) I was looking out the window at the earth below. All things we know to be "big" were so incredibly small...tiny...little slivers of images from so far away. Houses appeared to be small specks, bodies of water seemed like a drip of water that had fallen off a sweaty glass of cold water, miles of roads and winding rivers looked like slivers of thread strewn about on the ground. An entire town was smaller than the size of my thumb when pressed against the window. And the biggest things that appeared to be so small to my eyes, from so far away...mountains! Huge, massive mountains (the Rockies were some we flew by) looked no bigger than small piles of dirt that I could easily step over. (kind of disappointing, if you ask me) Bumps on the ground that my brother and I would put boards on top of, making a ramp, and jumping our bikes over when we were kids. (Yeah, we were cool like that. ;) ) And the trees on those mountains...they were smaller than blades of new grass poking through the ground. Mountains... Appearing to be so insignificant and so small to the naked eye from so far away...
Hmmm...
But we know, when we get to the base of that ginormous mountain, it is soooo large and so tall, that sometimes you can not even see the top! It's hidden in the clouds! It is soooo big that you have to really strain your neck to look up and even attempt to see the top.. And it's almost, if not entirely, impossible.
When you are close...
At this moment I ask myself... How big is God to me?
The question that He asks me in return... "How close to Me are you?"
Hmmm... Quite honestly, it makes me want to cry. Because I realize I'm not as close as I appear to be. Not in my heart... So many mountains have gotten in the way. So much "busyness", so much sadness. So many losses, things to do, decisions to make... Pressing things that have absorbed my time and efforts... My kids, my husband, my step-dad who finds himself so sad every day and struggling to do normal, daily things. Financial situations, friends, responsibilities... All of those things...like boarding a plane and looking down at 10,000 feet...pulling me further and further away.. And I've allowed it. I've been packing for a long time, and flying 10,000 feet away from the One who created those majestic mountains on the earth. And it's time to land this plane, and hike to the base of the mountain called God...touch it, feel it, smell it, embrace it...looking up in awe...so close, that the mountain (God) is all I can see...
So close, that from 10,000 feet, you can't see me...all you see is the mountain (God). So close, that as people do drive-by's and take pictures from their cars, they still can't see me...only the mountain. So close that I appear hidden in the protection of that mountain... So very, very close that I simply blend in and appear to be part of the mountain...
So very, very, very close...
Lord, I want to be that close...to You. At all times. Not just when I'm facing a mountain...but ALL the time. So close, that I can feel You...like walking up to a mountain you created...touching it, and looking up and seeing that it appears to be never-ending. No end in sight. Not just driving by and taking pictures. Yes, you can somewhat get a feel as to how big mountains are when driving by, on the ground, and taking pictures. But forget the drive-by. I don't want to settle for that. I want to walk straight up to the base, reach out and touch it, strain to look up and see the top, only to see it not visible because it is hidden in the clouds...so large it appears to go on forever...no end in sight. That's what I want You to be in my life. To put myself in that same position, not on the plane looking down, but on the ground looking up. Not 10,000 plus feet away, but right at the base. So close to You, that the situations, or circumstances that come into my life...those "mountains"... Appear so insignificant...like how REAL mountains look from 10,000 feet in the air. So close to You, that those "mountains" are mere bumps my brother and I put boards on and jumped our bikes over. So close that I don't even notice the mountains...they are just ordinary, small ant hills on the ground that I step over, without even noticing they was there...not even looking down.
Yes, that close... Because Lord, I know that You are that big!
Help me to refocus... To draw that close to You... To look up in awe, instead of looking down in disappointment. At ALL times.
And now I know what to do... Thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Trust...
Watching planes take off and land, butterflies in my stomach, hurry up and wait...and wait, and wait... Next thing I realize, I'm in a seat, seat belt fastened, palms sweaty, feeling the force and power as I feel pushed back into my seat. I'm watching things that I know to be solid, tilt and move further and further away from me...getting smaller and smaller. More wild than a roller coaster ride. And to be honest, I'm not a fan of roller coasters.
The power behind the take-off, defying gravity, traveling at speeds that I cannot comprehend...pretty amazing. Yet my palms sweat every time. :)
So many things like that in my life. The start of anything new, or unfamiliar. Being someplace new...not knowing directions, getting lost, driving in traffic I'm not used to...so many new things. I feel somewhat nervous and excited. And the more I think about it, the more fear sets in...
Kinda like the take-off...
The flight attendant announces that we are now 10,000 feet off the ground. That is crazy! And shortly after that, you can feel the plane gently climbing higher, leveling off, climbing higher, leveling off...until you look out the window and see noting but clouds underneath you. Now THAT is crazy!! And amazing!! Defying everything you know to be true according to the world.
Sound familiar?
Such a parallel in how God works... Nervousness of new things, new growth, new people, new opportunities.... And if I trust in myself to make it work, or make it happen, or make it amazing, I become fearful...AND I seem to fail, or become disappointed because it didn't turn out the way I thought it would or how I planned it would. Yes, there are times that I am successful...but it turns into something soooo exhausting that I want to quit or give up. And the fruit is not what I had hoped or planned it would be...and sometimes the fruit even turns sour. Why? Because I cannot do it! Not on my own. I am not equipped, capable, or have enough information to do many new things, or to conquer things that scare me by myself. I was not created to do things or go through things on my own, or to solely trust myself. I was created to depend and rely on HIM!! Someone shared a word of encouragement with me before I left, and again while I was waiting to board the plane. She said "some trust in chariots and some in horses; but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." (Psalm 20:7)- paraphrased
I'm so grateful I have a God I can trust. If my trust was solely on that plane, or the pilot, or anyone else, I can almost guarantee I would NOT have gotten on board! No way! The thought of trusting God comforts me...He's sooo big and soooo good! And only has my best interest in mind. At all times. I am totally trusting Him in my time away... Only doing what He wants me to do. I know it will be good...why? Because I trust Him. Just like I trusted Him to allow that plane to defy gravity and everything I know to be true, to get me from point A to point B without falling out of the sky. I trust Him!
Even with sweaty palms. :)
The power behind the take-off, defying gravity, traveling at speeds that I cannot comprehend...pretty amazing. Yet my palms sweat every time. :)
So many things like that in my life. The start of anything new, or unfamiliar. Being someplace new...not knowing directions, getting lost, driving in traffic I'm not used to...so many new things. I feel somewhat nervous and excited. And the more I think about it, the more fear sets in...
Kinda like the take-off...
The flight attendant announces that we are now 10,000 feet off the ground. That is crazy! And shortly after that, you can feel the plane gently climbing higher, leveling off, climbing higher, leveling off...until you look out the window and see noting but clouds underneath you. Now THAT is crazy!! And amazing!! Defying everything you know to be true according to the world.
Sound familiar?
Such a parallel in how God works... Nervousness of new things, new growth, new people, new opportunities.... And if I trust in myself to make it work, or make it happen, or make it amazing, I become fearful...AND I seem to fail, or become disappointed because it didn't turn out the way I thought it would or how I planned it would. Yes, there are times that I am successful...but it turns into something soooo exhausting that I want to quit or give up. And the fruit is not what I had hoped or planned it would be...and sometimes the fruit even turns sour. Why? Because I cannot do it! Not on my own. I am not equipped, capable, or have enough information to do many new things, or to conquer things that scare me by myself. I was not created to do things or go through things on my own, or to solely trust myself. I was created to depend and rely on HIM!! Someone shared a word of encouragement with me before I left, and again while I was waiting to board the plane. She said "some trust in chariots and some in horses; but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." (Psalm 20:7)- paraphrased
I'm so grateful I have a God I can trust. If my trust was solely on that plane, or the pilot, or anyone else, I can almost guarantee I would NOT have gotten on board! No way! The thought of trusting God comforts me...He's sooo big and soooo good! And only has my best interest in mind. At all times. I am totally trusting Him in my time away... Only doing what He wants me to do. I know it will be good...why? Because I trust Him. Just like I trusted Him to allow that plane to defy gravity and everything I know to be true, to get me from point A to point B without falling out of the sky. I trust Him!
Even with sweaty palms. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)