Meet with me

In the midst of preparing a trip I have longed to happen for many years now, I'm finding myself almost not wanting to go. Flight is booked, rental car lined up, hotels, friends to stay with, and even a conference at a church I have really wanted to visit. Sounds exciting, huh? 11 days, no kiddos, no schedules really... Just me and God.

Yet a part of me doesn't want to go...

I've never been away from home that long. I've never been away from my boys that long. Thinking about leaving already makes me homesick. So I pray, and listen, and pray some more...

And then I know...

He says... Meet with me.

And thank your mom for this opportunity. She made it happen. And now that she knows what this is all about, she wants you to go... And meet with me.

Makes me smile... With tear filled eyes..

My mom gets it:) We rarely shared a conversation about Jesus, and now that she is in His presence (I'll share that journey some day) she wants me to go. Meet with Him... And she made it happen.

Thanks mom! I'm going... :)

Birthday party..

Through all the grieving, I have found the joy in celebrating! Seriously, I had this amazing picture this morning of the greatest birthday party EVER! Ginormous cake, loved ones laughing, and Jesus laughing right along with them all! HUGE smiles, people singing and dancing, taking turns with the Bridegroom! I can't wait to join that party!!

Last year we had a surprise birthday party for my mom's 60th. It was the first time we ever did that for her. She LOVED it, and her brothers told me she talked about her surprise party constantly. They also shared with me that growing up, my grandparents didn't have a lot of money, so they never celebrated birthdays. Makes sense now why she made my boys' birthdays so special! So last year, she basically had her first birthday ever, and now she's celebrating Jesus' birthday WITH JESUS HIMSELF!! And she thought the surprise party on earth was great... just wait until her birthday in March! Her earthly party cannot even compare...

Sure we celebrate here on earth, but can you imagine the party in heaven??!!?! Whoa! "Here Jesus, you take the first piece of cake, I'll take the next." Ha! I can't even wrap my mind around that!! Sharing cake with the King!! Mind blowing!

I seriously can't wait for that day.

But until then, help me Lord, to live each day as a party. Lots of laughter, lots of smiles, and lots of love towards others.

Oh.. And give my mom a hug. :) Tell her to save a dance (and piece of cake) for me...someday. :)

Christmas 2012

I've really been thinking about new Christmas traditions... Since this truly is a year of "firsts" for us, I've just really been thinking about ways to make things different and more Christ-centered.  How do you go about doing that, when the whole world is about "worldly" things??

 

Well, the whole purpose of Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Jesus... I think that calls for a cake!!  Lots of candles, lots of singing :) Sweet!!

The 2nd hang up I've had is the focus on presents. My kids are young, and for the most part my youngest 2 slip into the "what's in it for me" mentality.  Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did too at that age.  So I have really been thinking about this... and here is what came to mind...

The very first present was not wrapped in fancy paper, but in "swaddling cloths", rags if you will.. Not toys, not jewelry, not electronics...but a gift for the whole world...given by the best Father (not Santa) ever known. It's the best gift known to mankind, yours if you want it.. Just say "yes" and receive this amazing gift of love!! You'll never regret it, you won't want to exchange it, and its available 24/7... no waiting in lines, no sizes to worry about or colors to choose from. Jesus... the greatest gift you will EVER receive! He comes with a lifetime (and eternal) guarantee! :) And better yet, its FREE!!  You can't buy it in stores, or online, or even order from a catalog (do people still do that??)  

It truly is that simple.  

Time to refocus, time to have conversations, time to love on those who need love the most...

No, I didn't solve the problem, or have any great answers downloaded into my heart or spirit... but I love that message.  Thank you, Lord, for that picture of simplicity.

First Christmas

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven’s starts, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away the tear
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear
But the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.
I know how much you miss me, I see the pain inside your heart,
But I am not far away, we really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
And be glad I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.
I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all love is a gift more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.
Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do
For I can’t count the blessing or love He has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

 I do not know who the author is of this... and I cannot take credit.  But it gives me comfort!  So whoever wrote this.... Thank you!!!

Adored

I admit, I've struggled with thoughts of regret since my mom's death. If only I had hugged her more, held her hand longer, called more often, told her I loved her more, talked with her about Jesus, showed more grace, forgave quicker..etc.. I can surely beat myself up quickly with those thoughts. And satan loves it.

Today I was reminded how much the Lord loves me. A simple, beautiful reminder, wrapped in tissue paper with a note.. "Praying His love overwhelms you"

A sweet, precious reminder... I am loved... No, not loved.. Adored.

The flood gates opened wide... And I embrace those tears. Joyful and humble tears. I am so small in a world so big...yet I'm adored by Him! Hard to wrap my mind around that one.

And just so you know, the reminder sits beautifully in a place that I can see every day. Upon a representation of something I love, leaning on a representation of someone who loves the world. Perfect. And adored.

No words.. Just thank you, T. And thank you to the creator who allows herself to be a vessel... In many ways.. To glorify Him.

Thank you... You are loved.. And adored.

We're Gonna Dance!

Something about this picture makes me smile so big! Its from 2000 on my wedding day. When I look at it, I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of my mom and her brother (who died a few years back) in heaven! They both LOVE to dance! And why wouldn't they? The freedom, the laughter, letting ones self go and move with music... What's not to love? What a cool picture. It makes me smile :)

A friend of mine talks about dancing with her loved one someday in heaven as well. I can't wait to dance with my loved ones as well... But my first dance is already saved for my Father. A father -daughter dance like none other. It's gonna be amazing.

Do Over

Lots to do before the holidays, and if I may be honest, I don't want to do any of them. Sitting in my sanctuary, listening to a dear friend share her heart about the loss of her loved one... Overwhelmed with sadness. For her, for me, for my family, and for my mom. My mom because there is a part of me that wonders if she truly knew the extent and seriousness of her situation. Maybe she did... Maybe she didn't. I'll never have the answer to that question this side of heaven.

And I am sad because if I had known my mom was in her final days, I would've done things differently. Maybe I should've told her how sick she was. Maybe I would've held her hand a few minutes longer, kissed her a few more times, told her I loved her more, stayed every night at the hospital instead of going home the few nights that I did. Maybe we should've transferred her to a different hospital, maybe I should've demanded to speak to a Dr. sooner than what I did, maybe I should've pushed for another surgery, maybe I should've had more conversations about Jesus than what I did.. I don't know.

All I kept thinking today was, I want a do-over. You know, like in school when you take tests, and your teacher checks your paper and you realize you didn't get the grade or score you wanted... sometimes the teacher allows you to make corrections for even half credit... I wanna do that.

I want to make those corrections.

The fear in her eyes, the confusion, the exhaustion... Those images open the flood gates... And it feels like the tears won't stop. All I can think about is, I want a do-over. Just those last 10 days, that's all. And as I was thinking that today I was reminded again... God's plan is perfect.

Without the events that happened, the ending may not have been as beautiful as it was. So many things happened those 10 days... Things that may not have happened had those 10 days been different. I'll tell more about those amazing things later...

The good news is, I get the do-over I so desire. Yes, that's right, I get to redo those days over and over again until I leave this earth. No, my mom is not here on this earth to do those things with her. But I know, the Lord provides opportunities to touch others in so many ways every day... And I'm going to take advantage of every opportunity that crosses my path. That is my do-over. That is my opportunity for test corrections. And as for my mom and the things that I wish I could change... I'm grateful for His perfect plan. Had the chain of events been different, I may not have had those 10 days. My heart may not have changed. Forgiveness may not have happened. And my mom may not have been saved. I prayed for healing... And she is now perfectly healed, whole, and happy...doing what she loves to do...dance... Only now she is dancing with her King.

Love you, mom.

Jump In And Get Wet

I love music. I love worship. I love TO worship! I love sitting in the sanctuary of my van, driving, praying, singing...just spending time with my Father. He's just soooo good! I find so many emotions in my van...it truly is my "secret place", so to speak. The place I can think, process, pray out loud, talk to myself, (yes, I do that) coordinate kids' schedules, have conversations with friends, sing, laugh, get angry, allow myself to be vulnerable and cry... You know, stuff like that. The cry part? Yeah, that's what I did today. Cried... A lot. I miss my mom. I still have a hard time believing she truly is not here, and I find myself bursting into tears at any moments notice. Sometimes it's at the most inconvenient times, but for the most part it happens in my van... Way more often now than at night when I go to bed. My pillow is not as tear soaked as it was in the beginning of this journey, but there sure are a lot of kleenex in my van!

So today as I was driving, I had a moment of utter sadness...and the tears, uncontrollable tears, began spilling out over my cheeks. Of course it's in between me dropping off my youngest at preschool and heading to the Dr's office...so I just prayed... I felt this longing in my heart for joy, but with the tears pouring from my eyes, I didn't know how joy could be a possibility at that moment. Then I heard "lift up your voice in praise to Me. You will find joy." I admit, I didn't feel like singing. Not at all. I wanted to sink in my sadness, and shut the whole world out. And at that moment, when I was planning ways to shut out the world, I was reminded that this is a tool of the enemy. Why? It was keeping me from worshipping the One who is worthy of praise. The One who gave my mom life, who in turn chose to bring me into this world. The One that allowed me to spend 10 days with my mom before she left this earth...which never would've happened otherwise. The One that changes hearts, heals wounds, restores brokenness...gave EVERYTHING for me to have life. The One who provides all my needs according to HIS riches. He wanted me to worship Him in the midst of my sadness...but how? I just wanted to be sad. But that sadness became consuming, and in turn went beyond ok sadness. And in the moments that followed, I learned you can grieve and be sad, and STILL worship the One who gives life.. And it's ok...


I flipped the iPod on shuffle, and the first song...

"I've got a river of living water, a fountain that never will run dry. It's an open heaven You're releasing, we will never be denied. Cuz we're stirring up deep, deep wells. We're stirring up deep, deep waters. We're gonna dance in the river. Dance in the river. Cuz we're stirring up deep, deep wells. We're stirring up deep, deep waters. We're gonna jump in the river. Jump in the river. ...Deep Cries Out to, Deep Cries Out to You, we cry out to You, Jesus! "

Hmmm... Can you guess what happened?

My heart danced. My spirit raced with excitement.

And I worshipped.

That's right... Deep cried out to Jesus.... My deepest yearnings surfaced, my protected hurts flowed, and my heart sang.

And there was joy....

God is just that good. :) Thank You, Lord, for Your joy.. That flows like rivers. Your grace and love that is deeper than any well. Your gentleness that wraps around us. Your mercy that You pour over us, and Your goodness that overtakes us... Your glory that fills us, and Your JOY that overcomes.

Time to jump in the river and dance! Join me? :)

Amen.

Doesn't feel well? The first step into the journey...

Am I dreaming? Is that the phone ringing? It's still dark out...who calls when it's still dark out? Those were my first thoughts as I was ripped from my sleep to the ringing of the phone. A voice on the other line saying my mom was taken by ambulance from work. It's 2:44am. Trying to sort through jumbled thoughts in a fog of sleep, I make out the words that she doesn't feel well. Doesn't feel well? What does that mean? Creeping through a dark house I quickly get dressed and stumble to my van. No note to my family, cuz I know I'll be home shortly. Doesn't feel well? It's still dark out? Having 4 boys, I'm very familiar with the roads that lead to the hospital...and I think I was in autopilot. Doesn't feel well?? What does that mean? I make a phone call to find out more info. Yes, a paramedic was called. No, my stepdad wasn't called because he is up north at their cabin with his brother. So it's just me. Doesn't feel well?? It seemed like the longest drive ever, in the still of night, complete darkness...little did I know it was day one of a journey that leads to joy, sorrow, praise, heartache, God's promises, and a reunion like no other on this earth.

Arriving at the hospital...it's quiet. They ask me to wait...feels like forever. They prepare me for what I'm about to see... My mom is very sick. Those are the words the doctor uses, over and over again. He's throwing out terms like pulmonary edema, spots on her lungs, CHF, pulse ox of 71, blood pressure numbers, heart rate, etc... My brain is spinning... I know what those numbers and those words mean. I've had some medical training. The facts they find through tests are not good, but those are simply facts. Facts change. Truth doesn't change. And I know the word is truth. So I prayed. Walking into that ER and seeing the battle for life breath my mom was having made my heart sink. The fear in her eyes... How does a daughter comfort her mother. Spinning, spinning, spinning. Doesn't feel well??

I admit, writing this, remembering the beginning of the journey...makes me cry. But I stepped into this journey BELIEVING my mom would be healed... And she was.

This is just the beginning... Walk with me, cry with me, and dance with me as this journey unfolds. It's still not over. I believe we are still in the beginning stage... At the end. Make sense?

It will.

Blessings to you.

The ups and downs...

It has been a while since I've posted anything...and life has been...interesting. Last month my mom went to meet Jesus. She was young...way too young. 60 years old, but now dancing with Jesus! I have a lot to say about it, so my next few blogs may be about this journey. A journey of change and firsts I never thought I would experience at my age, but it's here. And in the midst of it all... I'm constantly reminded that God is good! All the time!

I know my faith is strong. I know my strength comes from the Lord. And I will tell you, without a doubt, that I have sad moments. A friend of mine lost her mother a month and 2 days after I lost mine. Her mom was 61. Both left this earth unexpectedly... And she has been a rock for me. Writing and blogging words that spoke my heart... Words that I could not find, she found for me, and for herself... And shared them with such vulnerability, that I felt I was speaking. Thank you for that my dear friend.

So I pray that you are patient with my blogs. I have a lot to say:)

But most of all...God is good!

Lesson On Thoughts...

I heard something that really spoke to me this weekend. Throughout different paths in my healing journey, I have found myself battling intrusive thoughts. I have tried with everything in me to "take thoughts captive". Sometimes this is easy, sometimes I have felt that I have failed miserably. I have done everything, from counseling, to burying myself in the Word... From cranking up praise music, singing, playing guitar; to praying and telling my mind to "STOP!" Outloud, even. This weekend I was totally blessed by a another possible approach... INVESTIGATE! When an intrusive thought comes to mind, check it out. Find out what is behind the thought. This really spoke to me, as this has been somewhat of a battle for me since even before the healing process began. In fact, I wish I would have known this years ago...then again, I didn't have a relationship with Jesus at that time. I was running from everything, and there was no way i was going to embrace the thoughts i was having! But seriously, I am loving this concept! Perhaps Holy Spirit is trying to reveal something to you! Perhaps God wants to show you an area of healing in your own life. Or maybe He just wants to spend time with you. Ask Him what that thought means. Ask Him what is behind it. Because God is so good, He will be faithful to show you. If He brings it to your mind, it seems apparent He wants to show you something. Telling it to stop, or shutting it out, closes the door for Holy Spirit to work. Yes, there are moments when the enemy uses thoughts to attack... Believe me, I know. And if it is from the enemy, God will reveal that! And, He will stop them or show you how to stop them.

Lord, I thank You for this revelation. I praise You that You care sooo much about us... Even our thoughts. Thank You for your faithfulness! Thank You for never letting us go! Thank You for Your gentle nature. Thank You for allowing thoughts to enter our mind for healing. Thank You for bringing these things to our attention! You are so good!

It's All About Me... Or Is It?

Being a wife and a mom of 4 boys, ages ranging from 4-15, I often find myself wondering whether I'm coming or going! I believe all moms understand that dilemma! And if you are anything like me, you find yourself, at the end of the day, loving every minute of it! Yes, it feels a bit stressful, but the joy and pride I feel when I look at my boys makes my heart swell to the point that I fear it may even burst! Before becoming a stay at home mom, I worked full-time, had a part-time job, and also coached 2 sports throughout the year. Looking back at that crazy schedule, I wonder how we ever survived as a family! I missed so many little things with my older boys that I never even realized, until I was forced to slow down and do nothing. I'm blessed to enjoy those things now... And I'm loving it! The world revolved around my schedule, and my boys' schedules, and honestly, I thought life was great! I was making an impact in my job, I was touching lives, I was truly making a difference! We attended church, we read the Word and we took time for family vacations, which seemed to be more stressful than what they were worth, but we were doing it, and I truly believed we had it all! We survived, and I thought we were thriving! Oh, how deceived I was! I felt something was missing, but I couldn't define what it was, therefore I kept adding busyness to my life to fill that void. When the day came that my world seemed to come to an abrupt halt, I didn't know what I would do. I honestly didn't think i could survive. I didn't know how to live life like this! I felt I had totally lost my identity, because I identified myself by the things I did. I didn't even know who I truly was. This became apparent to me when someone asked me "what's your favorite color?" I was so disconnected with myself that I couldn't even answer that. I had no idea what my favorite color was. In fact, I didn't know anything that I enjoyed. Long and short of it all, I began a serious journey of discovering who I am...by learning who God is. He tells us who we are through His Word! We are the salt of the earth (Matt 5:13), the light of the world (Matt 5:14), children of God (John 1:12), a channel of Christ's life and His friend (John 15:5), chosen (John 15:16, Col. 3:12, Thess. 1:14), a joint heir with Christ (Rom 8:17), a temple-a dwelling place- of God ( 1 Cor. 3:16; 6:19) a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17), righteous and holy (Eph. 4:24)....and soooo much more! Long and short of it all, I am a beloved and precious daughter of the Most High. All of the other things that I clung to, to define who I was, we're all things that I DID, not who I WAS! I am so much more than that, because HE is so much more than that! To me, it was a revelation that became a transformation. In my heart, for my life, for my family. Thank You, Lord, for Your revelation! It is not about me, and can never be about me, until it is all about YOU! First and foremost. Then I become an instrument for You to use, to speak through, to minister through, to show Yourself through. I pray that it never becomes about me. Relying on my flesh, keeps me from relying on You, and takes Your hand out of everything I do. In my flesh I fail, but in You I am made perfect! Thank You, Lord, for Your grace in my life! For Your correction, for Your guidance, for Your never-ending love!

Beginnings...

I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've started a blog or a journal, with the best of intentions to write everyday the things that I feel or the things I pray, or the revelations I have received... Only to fail in being dedicated and intentional in my efforts to record these things. So I'm trying again. We'll see what happens! Lord, if this is the path that You have chosen for me, then impress upon my heart a desire to continue. A desire so strong, that I cannot resist! It is no secret that my soul cries out for You daily! Spirit to spirit, deep indeed cries out!