Although this trip has been amazing (minus the driving in Sacramento! And I'm not even downtown!) I know there is more that awaits me. And I hesitate...
From the minute I arrived at my hotel in the cities, I knew there was something that was going to happen. Nothing bad. Actually, I knew a couple days before I even left that something was going to happen. I want to embrace it...yet I hesitate. I want to melt in it, yet I hesitate. I know He's calling, waiting...patiently waiting... Yet I hesitate. Don't get me wrong, time with Him has been so good... But I know it's just been the "practice". The "pre-game warm-up" if you will (for any sports fan out there). A taste of the feast that awaits me. The preparation for the true meaning of me being here. I know that. I know it's good, because it's God's heart for me..and HE is good. So it HAS to be good, right?
Yet I hesitate...
Why??
For fear that the emotions will get out of control? (those of you that know me, know I like to be in control in that area) For fear that the tears won't stop? (I know tears can be healing...yet I still dislike crying...greatly) For fear that the wounds will be ripped wide open and I won't know how to close them back up again, and I'll bleed to death? (pretty ugly, huh) For fear all of this will be going on and I'll be alone? (are we ever truly alone? Hmmm...)
Yes...to all of the above.
As I've been writing this I have to be brutally honest. From the minute I arrived at my hotel in the cities, I have felt on the edge of the cliff. I have been on the verge of utter bawling from that very moment. Yes, there have been tears...but I haven't had the guts to take that step off the edge of the cliff and "free-fall". I keep my feet firmly planted...sometimes sliding my foot forward and letting my toes dangle off the edge...but then I pull back. Some tears, yes...some hurt, yes...some memories, yes...some healing, yes. But to take the plunge...to totally let go and take that next step..however small of a step it may be...mere inches, I'm sure... I hesitate.
Letting go...trusting God will be there when I fall...to catch me, to hold me, to allow the things to come forth and be dealt with... I hesitate.
Why?
Is it too real? Is it unacceptable in my eyes to totally lose that control? Is it fear?
I don't know. Maybe???
I can tell you exactly what it feels like. Even as I type this I'm standing on the edge of the cliff... Tears starting to develop, stinging my eyes. I can honestly feel His presence drawing closer to me. I can sense His arms ready to wrap around me...to envelope me into safety..totally covering me..warm and inviting... I can feel His gentleness, His love, His understanding... I can feel my heart starting to race, a slight melting of the wall that has been erected around my heart these last few months...an inviting call to freedom that awaits me...so sweet, so beautiful. I can even feel my entire body soften, almost preparing to physically let go as well as emotionally. I want it! I want to turn into a puddle of mess on the floor because I KNOW there is freedom, and healing, and restoration just around the corner. It's so close I can almost touch it. I can smell it, like the smell of the outdoors during a drought, after a much needed, refreshing rain... I can see it... Similar to the clouds rolling back, and allowing the most amazingly breathtaking symbol of God's promise to appear in the form of a rainbow. Not just an ordinary rainbow, mind you, but one that clearly shows every color so specifically, you were sure that you just witnessed God Himself paint it right before your very eyes. It's comparable to the most amazing food ever tasted...making your taste buds dance with joy as whatever it is, melts in your mouth. Like a friend you have longed to spend time with, and you hear your phone ring and you suddenly realize it's them calling.
What person in their right mind would reject such an amazing experience???
Yup, thats right.. I still hesitate....
I go so far and stop. Even the tears shrink back to dryness. The stinging stops. And I can feel Him pull back. Not away...just back. He won't force me, He won't get mad at me, and He won't leave me. He just pulls back. And waits...
Patiently waiting.
And all of those amazing things that I just explained above, dissolve into the darkness once again. Fading, until there is no evidence they even existed at all. And the fog of "everything's ok" creeps back in until it feels normal again.
Normal... My heart doesn't want to be "normal" anymore.
So now what? I know the answer to that...
All I have to do, is take the step... Let go...and allow Him to do what He does best.
Simply love me.
Yet... Well, you know what's coming next...
Yup... I hesitate...
(sigh)
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