WAS

Greetings from Redding, California! I honestly don't even know where to begin... I have been praying about what to share and what to keep between me and God, and there is just soooo much that has been happening, I WANT to share it all! Should I? Probably not. Regardless, know that God has been moving in such a way that sometimes I am completely speechless.

One thing I have learned is that my mind races. I don't mean spinning, per say...but truly races. One thought leads to another, which leads to another, and another, etc... Until I have no idea where it all began and if it will ever end. One thing I have learned about how God deals with me (because He is just so smart) is that if He wants to tell me something, and I am willing and ready to receive, it comes so fast, and in so many facets, that my brain has no other choice but to "shut up" and take it in. Not only do theses downloads come so quickly, but it also seems like they are mere pieces...so, knowing me so well, He knows I have to investigate and ask more questions...you know, to figure it all out. What does that do to my brain? Keeps it quiet longer. :) yeah, He knows me so well...probably because He created me, huh. :) I am so grateful for that!

There are some things that I have struggled with my whole life, and some things I have really struggled with these last few years. My battle was keeping me from so many things...and keeping me from moving forward in so many areas of my life. Vital areas. Haha... Did you catch that? Did you notice that I said "...WAS keeping me from so many things."? :) As in past tense? I so desperately want to share with each and every one of you what exactly happen early Sunday morning (1:00-1:20am to be exact), in my rental car, on a back road that I was unfamiliar with, near Corning, California, bawling my eyes out, asking why? and How come? after a swift tail kicking from my dear friend.... Yes, sometimes I need a wake up call and a good tail kicking to get myself off my pity potty and unwrap the blanket of guilt, remove the chains of bondage (in my case labeled unforgiveness) and rip off the crown of "victim mentality" that I have so strategically placed up my head...AND release the tears of bitterness that have collected in my life over the last 36 years. Yes, it took a wake up call, a revelation of truth, and a gentle but firm spirit to finally, FINALLY open my eyes...to finally allow myself to let go and free fall off the cliff I've been hanging out on for so long. To allow the desire of freedom to be greater than the desire for familiar. It is no easy task, my friends...but once it starts, you don't want it to stop. You want ALL of it! A taste is not nearly enough when the feast is laid out before you! Like in the summer time, when it's 100 plus degrees outside, and you are so thirsty that your lips are cracked, your tongue feels like sandpaper, your stomach cramps, and you are so weak you feel you can hardly move...one single drip of water cannot satisfy the thirst you have...not even a bottle of water can do that. You need to jump into to river! Or a lake! Or whatever body of water that is available, that can swallow up your entire body, soaking every part... Right? Cool and refreshing... Ahhh... I can feel it now! THAT, my friends, is EXACTLY what happened to me on that road between the hrs of 1:00-1:20am, early Sunday morning. I felt His love and presence wash over me like a flood. I saw pictures of things I have longed for my entire life...realizations to questions I have asked. Questions that have kept me hostage in the prison of my own mind and heart. Truth to lies I have believed for an entire lifetime. All of these things I have clung to so tightly, white-knuckled and all, until my hands started cramping... Why? It was all I THOUGHT I knew to be true. Even though I knew these things were not healthy, not God's desire for my heart, and definitely not FROM Him, they were all I knew in the physical world. So, I have sat, my entire life, bound by chains that keep me right where the enemy wants me... in this prison of guilt, condemnation, self-pity, brokenness, bitterness, unforgiveness... A place so familiar to me... Feeling unloved and rejected. Focused on striving and trying to earn approval. Totally becoming my way of life to a point that I cannot imagine anything any different. Why? I don't deserve different. It's been proven time and time again by the way certain people have treated me throughout the years. People I looked to for nurturing or friendship, or just plain acceptance...they spent their time destroying and tearing down, instead of sculpting and building. And I was left scrambling around in the rubble...calling it my home.

When Holy Spirit begins to download, the only thing I can do is buckle up and hang on. Pictures flash and doors are opened...noises heard, sometimes voices, sometimes just the words of songs...no set beginning and no set ending. One thing after another, creating feelings, alerting my senses to extreme sensitivity, making the unclear, clear...and the fuzzy, focused. Missing pieces are found and put into place, creating the whole and bigger picture...sometimes detailed, sometimes not...creating an understanding that in the physical realm was never meant to be understood...but usually not until the very end. Memories sometimes project in still picture form, like watching a silent movie, and then it freezes...curtains are drawn back, revealing truth...

And then I heard it... The chains... Loosening...and falling to the floor. Metal hitting concrete. Can you hear it? It's the sound of freedom... Are you with me? The prison doors open. Nothing holding me back. Nothing to cling to. Nothing to hold so tightly that my knuckles turn white and my hands cramp. Nothing.

At first, it's hard to take in. It's hard to imagine. I think I sat there in shock. Letting the truth sink in. Is it real? It's so different than what I know.

But I'm no longer bound. I see the chains in a heap on the floor. And the door is open wide. I squint because it's so bright outside the door. I realize how dark this prison truly is...

And then I take a step...

Into the sun... Or is it the SON.

I can hear the prison crack...the walls are shifting...and it crumbles into ruins onto the ground. That is the new rubble. I won't scramble around in it. I won't call it my home... I won't even look back.

But I will remember.

And praise Him, with the most joyful and humble heart you can ever imagine. My eyes are burning with tears as I write this. Tears of joy and awe at how much He loves me.

No...adores me.

I don't deserve it. But He gives it anyway.

Because He loves me...that much.

"...WAS keeping me from so many things."

"WAS"...past tense... No longer true, no longer existing, no longer my reality...no more!

It's amazing what can happen at 1:00am...when you are willing to take that step off the cliff and free fall...willing to receive, willing to let go...

What other words can I possibly say at this moment?

Nothing...I'm completely speechless.

Thank You, Father! Thank You!
AMEN!